but trying to improve.
Ok, so I'm not perfect.
I had a BIG blow up yesterday afternoon. Made a total fool of myself in front of my family and neighbors. WHY? Because I am trying to keep up with all you perfect women and moms. I give up. I hurt my family and my neighbors, but most of all my best friend and little girl. They mean more to me than keeping up with any perceived notion I might have of how a real woman should be and function.
I wont EVER have a spotless house. I have a child, husband, dog and really, as long as we can function and are clean and happy, should I worry about making someone with their issues think I am worthy of them and their company? I am tired of it. Really and truly. The women that can overlook my lack of keeping everything organized and spic and span clean in a 900 sq foot house (which BY THE WAY I LOVE!) are who I want to have in my life. Odd their s/o's and children have no problem..... It was a very happy home at one time and will return. The walls in this house will once again sing with joy and love like it use to. Some homes have a natural feeling of love and ambiance of peace and this small abode did at one time. The only thing changed is me. The addition of my feelings of needing to keep up with perceived ideas of what family and motherhood and being a good wife is what's changed.... The way I use to be was fascinating enough for my husband, he loved me as I use to be, not this me that worries about what someone will think about our home or any other endless list of things, trying to be something I was never meant to be.
I don't have a housekeeper. Seriously, it has been offered to me in an effort to help me relax. I don't want one. I am to frugal and can think of MUCH better ways to enjoy that money, plus, that need to not have a housekeeper think we aren't pigs would keep me up at night. So I know my limits. Don't put me down for this. Again, if my house is too messy for you, my life and friendship will be too. I'm kind of simple that way.
I have tried to remove catch alls, they remain. I give up. If this bothers you when you come to my home, stay away. Please do, because I will struggle with giving up this need to impress people that will never really find me "worthy". My bathroom will always be clean, but you might have to see some dog hairs in places. We have a fur baby. He is old, but he is the sweetest thing that has ever lived on four legs and he is a member of our family. He is very well loved. I will not apologize for him. He lives here and is much more important to us than your visit. Sorry but he loves me the way God does. Despite my faults and shortcomings he sees my heart, just as God does.
I struggle daily. I am not perfect. I need reminders and hugs and told that things will be ok and to not worry that I'm not able to keep up with all the perfect women. I need people in my life that really are loving and kind, not fake people. I don't dress for "success" nor do I have to be made up all the time. Heck, I have an active 3 year old and I am lucky sometimes to brush my teeth. Maybe you perfect women have perfect children that can read and are potty trained by 2. We don't, it's not where our interests lay at the moment. I give up trying to keep up. I will generally be as modest as I can. That I will do. So if the way I dress or the lack of name brands on our clothing turns your stomach, puke out your sentiments elsewhere.
My yard.... I ENJOY doing my own yard work. That means sometimes it needs weeded. Anyone who has known me for a while knows I have physical limitations, limitations brought about by caring for others. That's what I do. Yard work is my release. My time to think and dream. My yard will never be perfect. I am not going to try to make sure it is for others. My family doesn't mind, so like my house, we may be messy at times.
Don't put down my house. It's small but I am really fed up with women thinking they need to inform me of this. Like it's a bad thing or a disease..... Our home is open to as many as we can show love to. We have had big gatherings, but really why do I feel the need to explain this...... If it bothers you, stay away.
Last night my husband told me no one will hold me accountable or put me down for slowing down and just accepting things. I hope he is right. However if you are one of those perfect women, that name drop or are always attempting to raise your own level by putting on the dog, please just quietly step out of my life. I really need to not worry about what you will think about me. Yes this is my issue, but it's brought about by the lack of love in people, for others and themselves. Don't foist your own obsessive issues on me.
My family comes first. While writing this I stopped several times while we blew up balloons and played catch in the house, this to me is what being a wife and mom means..... my ability is not really gauged by how clean my house may or may not be.