FIRE.Sometimes there is a warning. Sometimes, well pretty often, it's just plain shoot from the hip and who ever is in the way at that moment is my target. Yep, its true.
The last few weeks I have been trying to really give this some thought and work. This yelling thing and what might trigger it. Why I might do it....
I have concluded a few things.
I am in control of myself, or I should be. I can't blame anyone. When I get mad and yell I shouldn't look at my little girl and say, "why did you make mommy yell?" I shouldn't look at my husband and lament "you didn't do xyz and that made me yell!" They didn't make me yell. What makes me yell is my own inability to cope with some given situation.
I am loath to admit it.... I am able to be manipulated and controlled.... by my emotions. My daughter is only 5, she can't make me yell. My husband isn't able to. No one holds a gun to my head saying "YOU MUST YELL or I will shoot you." Nope, the yelling is all me. I must own up to it.
I own it. No one makes me yell. I make myself yell.
I OWN IT. I make myself yell. No one else does.
I have triggers. I can turn around and do something else or I can give in to them. Who do I want to control me? Do I want to control me? Or do I want that "hollier than thou woman who thinks she knows it better" control me? Yeah, I know I want to control myself. I want her to control herself. My turning away and not losing it doesn't mean I give up the battle, and that she wins. She doesn't. Only one person should have control over how I act and react. I am the fool for giving her that control.
My triggers don't own me. I am in control of my own feelings. I can't control your feelings, or your actions. So I must be in charge of the feelings I can own and how I react to the things life throws at me.
The book of Proverbs says "Whoever is slow to anger has great understanding, but he who has a hasty temper exalts folly." (Proverbs 14:29) and "Whoever restrains his words has knowledge, and he who has a cool spirit is a man of understanding." (Proverbs 17.:7)
Its true. Very, very, true. I am quick to heat. I wish with all my heart I had a cooler spirit. That when I am angry its with righteous indignation instead of hurt feelings and selfishness. I'm being brutally honest. Is it really anything but selfishness and hurt feelings when I yell and erupt with unlady (or man for that matter) like behavior.
I will say, generally I am also quick to clam down after I have had an eruption. The problem is my eruptions are earth shattering. I am gonna share a story. I am sharing in an effort to show how insane anger can be. Hate me if you like.... but the truth isn't always pretty.
One of my worst ever blow ups......
I was pregnant with Bear. We were doing all those innumerable projects a new mom has on her list. All those things she thinks her baby will want; like a spotless basement, manicured lawn.... you
know insane projects when in reality a baby doesn't care about none of that. They eat, sleep, and poop. BUT, I thought I needed all that and more. I can't remember my list but I think it was about two pages long....
It was maybe two months before Bear was born. I needed a hammer and I couldn't find our good construction hammer anywhere. I was livid. I insisted when Hubs got home that he help me look. I looked everywhere. Of course being an emotionally laden individual I began to think Hubs wasn't showing enough worry and concern (Selfish behavior on my part!)....
Now what do you think I did? Hmmmm, just guess? I was eight months pregnant. What do you think I did? Did I sit down and cry big tears? Did I slam doors and refuse to listen to reason? Did I scream? Blame and call names maybe?
Try all the above! Sadly, yes. All the above and then some.
I stomped up the basement stairs, me and my pregnant self and fumed at Hubs. When I say he is longsuffering with me, I mean it. He is very long suffering. You will agree after this.....
I stomped up the stairs from the basement and slammed the back door, locking it behind me. Yes I locked it and I screamed and cried about how he was refusing to listen to reason. I was in FULL ORANGE RHINO MODE. Reading it really hammers home how crazy it was once I started down that mad as $#*& road. Have you ever gotten angry and started down the road, unable to stop the emotions and insanity?
Anyway, I slammed the door, accused our family friend of stealing the hammer and .... accused Hubs of taking his side in it! I wish it would have stopped there. Hubs told me maybe it was in the laundry room and maybe it had fallen behind the washer or drier...... so in full tilt unable to stop YELLING and unwilling to curb my anger I moved the washer and drier out of the laundry room to prove it wasn't there. Yes BY MYSELF I took the washer and drier out of the laundry room, all the while fuming and crying big belly ugly sobs.
Hubs finally came up, unlocked the door with his keys and told me it would all be alright, but for me to listen I had to be spent....completely and utterly spent.... I was sobbing in the middle of the kitchen.
And, we never did find the hammer that day.
I am not proud of it. I am not proud that I behaved in such a horrible fashion. I am not proud that over the years my husband has forgotten how to relax, fearing that the straw that breaks the camels back might happen at any moment. This is not what I want. I am sharing all this you can see my worst.
Day 3 is upon me. Its a stressful one as we complete some big projects, but I aim to do it without yelling. I came close today, but I made it. I am entering day 3 of not yelling!!! Yeah I will say I am pretty proud. It was hard Thursday, but I made it!
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