Monday, June 3, 2013

There's a Orange Rhino in the Room

I have a confession to make.  If you know me very well, you know this already and its no big surprise..... 
I'm a yeller. 
Yep, I yell....  sometimes a lot.
I have used excuses because of the yelling, but there is not excuse.  I have wanted to stop for years, but have never actively taken steps to stopping.  Kind of like a drunk, if you don't actively seek out a way of stopping you wont change.  So a drunk remains a drunk and a yeller remains a yeller.  Kind of scary to put it in that context. 
I'm a yeller, and I want to stop.  I want to end this habit.  I want to say, one day, that I am a RECOVERING YELLER
But the fact remains, today.... I am a yeller. 
Yelling is just as bad as cussing.  It is.  There really is no excuse IS NO EXCUSE and when I am done and calmed down again I feel pain, remorse, and even anger at my own inability to cope....  the whole gamut  of emotions really.  I have strong body responses when I am really yelling and mad.  Body shakes, the heart speeds up, my face gets red...    When I am in full yelling mode its like my body is taken over by something beyond my control.  I can't stop yelling.  I have tried many different methods, but none have worked.  A therapist once had me practice "square breathing" and it didn't help because I couldn't remember to do it when the trigger that broke the camels back hit. 

In the past I would say things like, "Yes I yell, BUT".....  when a loved one would ask me why....  well there is no excuse, and I am THROUGH making them.  I am in control of my own body.  No one else can make me yell.  I am committed.  I don't want yelling and anger in our house, ever again.  I don't want my daughter to develop a fear and run into her room or later come to me and ask how come I was so sad and mad.....  Its ok to get mad I'm not saying it isn't, but its how I deal with it that's the dysfunction...
No, things will not always go easy.  No, people wont always be nice.  No, some people will always take advantage of others.  No, I will not be pain free.  No, I wont be a millionaire.....  we will still scrape and sacrifice to have the life we think is best for our family.  Those wont change.  What can change is how I react to it. 
Enter in the Orange Rhino.  I think I missed confirming my subscription for this 30 day challenge, but I refuse to let it stop me. 
So here is the big dirty.....  Starting June 5 (just a date I picked because I like firm numbers and Bear is 5 so she liked it too) I will not yell anymore, we will start with 10 days, then 20, then 40 and so on....  I am basing my challenge on The Orange Rhino's own list of helps located here.  My challenge may not be exactly like hers, but its not suppose to be.  Its mine, just as she has hers, and you have yours. 
If I do yell, I go back to ground zero and start all over again.  I will allow myself to yell if its for a safety issue and I must make my voice heard.  Otherwise, there is no cause to yell.  Its not a habit I like.  I am shedding it gratefully, but also with difficulty. 
I have been really looking at trigger points the last week or so.  I have some, a lot actually.  I will be learning other ways to deal with these triggers.  I will share more as the time goes on with regards to these very issues.
Have you heard of the Orange Rhino Challenge?  Do you have triggers?  Have you over come a bad yelling habit ???

Linking up on Thursday with Honest Mom

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